she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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