He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
