ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
