My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
