John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
