Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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