just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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