Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize