no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
