i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize