I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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