Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
