well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
