I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
