What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
