Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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