so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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