apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just found a bag of teeth...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
