Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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