Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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