I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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