He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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