i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
