Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
porn star boner night. come get it.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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