so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize