farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
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