Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
