Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just had sex on a roof
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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