maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
