i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
