i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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