just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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