My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
