Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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