walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
