He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
