So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
