I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
