Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
