I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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