This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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