I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
