you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
