my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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