thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So vagazzling was a success
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
