i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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