My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
