Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
