New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
