Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
