There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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