i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
