I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
