Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
