im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
